- How to make a million in the stock market? Start with two!
- A long term investment is a short term investment that failed
- If you can count your money, you don’t have a million dollars
- The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night: I woke up every hour and cried
- Whoever said money can’t buy happiness, simply didn’t know where to shop
- Why is divorce so expensive? Because it’s worth it
- Where do seagulls invest their money? In the stork market!
- Borrow money from pessimists, they don’t expect it back
- My wife’s purse was stolen with her credit cards in it. I didn’t report it because the thief was spending less than her!
- Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it!
- What happened when the cat swallowed a coin? There was money in the kitty
- Where can you always find money? In the dictionary
- If we really did profit from our mistakes, I’d be extremely rich by now
- Remember the golden rule: Those who have the gold make the rules
- My friends called me stingy so I decided to buy them a beer. Turns out they wanted one each!
- My bank sent me a text message of my balance. Its says LOL
- My friend introduced me to a Money Making Scheme that 100% guarantees payout. It’s called a Job
- I tape popcorn to the ceiling. It’s cheaper than a smoke alarm
- My mate asked, “What would you do if you had Richard Branson’s money?” I said, “spend it before he noticed it was missing”
- I walked into the bank and said to the cashier, “I’d like to open a joint account please” “OK, with whom though?” “Whoever has a lot of money”
- I smashed open my piggy bank earlier. I’ve just about got enough in it to buy a new piggy bank.
- There are more important things in life than money. The trouble is they all cost money
- Why do banks only lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it?
- The best way to make somebody remember you – borrow money from them
- Why is there always so much month left at the end of my money?
- People used to rob petrol stations. Now petrol stations rob people
- I have enough money to last me the rest of my life! Unless I buy something…
- “Money cannot buy you happiness”. But it can buy you a yacht to suffer in
- If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?
- The best things in life are free, plus tax
- The perfect solution to solve all your debt problems? Money
- ‘If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?’ Steven Wright
- ‘The United States has developed a new weapon that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing. It’s called the stock market.’ – Jay Leno
- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
- Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques
- I love her so much I worship the ground her father found oil on
- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it left
- Money is not everything. There’s also MasterCard and Visa
- Jesus saves. But wouldn’t it have been better if he had invested?
- Never borrow money from optimists – they always expect to get it back
- Money isn’t everything, but at least it encourages relatives to stay in touch
- A man hires a taxi to take him to court for his bankruptcy trial. When they arrive he says to the driver, ‘Well, I suppose you might as well come in too.’
- A man goes into a bank and asks the cashier to check his balance, so the cashier pushes him over
- Money talks – all mine says is ‘Goodbye!’
- If God had meant us to pay taxes, he’d have made us smart enough to fill in the return form
- There will always be death and taxes. However, death doesn’t get worse every year
- Body cells renew while asleep. If only our wallets could do the same
