How to make a million in the stock market? Start with two!
A long term investment is a short term investment that failed
If you can count your money, you don’t have a million dollars
The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night: I woke up every hour and cried
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness, simply didn’t know where to shop
Why is divorce so expensive? Because it’s worth it
Where do seagulls invest their money? In the stork market!
Borrow money from pessimists, they don’t expect it back
My wife’s purse was stolen with her credit cards in it. I didn’t report it because the thief was spending less than her!
Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it!
What happened when the cat swallowed a coin? There was money in the kitty
Where can you always find money? In the dictionary
If we really did profit from our mistakes, I’d be extremely rich by now
Remember the golden rule: Those who have the gold make the rules
My friends called me stingy so I decided to buy them a beer. Turns out they wanted one each!
My bank sent me a text message of my balance. Its says LOL
My friend introduced me to a Money Making Scheme that 100% guarantees payout. It’s called a Job
I tape popcorn to the ceiling. It’s cheaper than a smoke alarm
My mate asked, “What would you do if you had Richard Branson’s money?” I said, “spend it before he noticed it was missing”
I walked into the bank and said to the cashier, “I’d like to open a joint account please” “OK, with whom though?” “Whoever has a lot of money”
I smashed open my piggy bank earlier. I’ve just about got enough in it to buy a new piggy bank.
There are more important things in life than money. The trouble is they all cost money
Why do banks only lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it?
The best way to make somebody remember you – borrow money from them
Why is there always so much month left at the end of my money?
People used to rob petrol stations. Now petrol stations rob people
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life! Unless I buy something…
“Money cannot buy you happiness”. But it can buy you a yacht to suffer in
If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?
The best things in life are free, plus tax
The perfect solution to solve all your debt problems? Money
‘If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?’ Steven Wright
‘The United States has developed a new weapon that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing. It’s called the stock market.’ – Jay Leno
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques
I love her so much I worship the ground her father found oil on
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it left
Money is not everything. There’s also MasterCard and Visa
Jesus saves. But wouldn’t it have been better if he had invested?
Never borrow money from optimists – they always expect to get it back
Money isn’t everything, but at least it encourages relatives to stay in touch
A man hires a taxi to take him to court for his bankruptcy trial. When they arrive he says to the driver, ‘Well, I suppose you might as well come in too.’
A man goes into a bank and asks the cashier to check his balance, so the cashier pushes him over
Money talks – all mine says is ‘Goodbye!’
If God had meant us to pay taxes, he’d have made us smart enough to fill in the return form
There will always be death and taxes. However, death doesn’t get worse every year
Body cells renew while asleep. If only our wallets could do the same
Professor Simply Simple
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