• How to make a million in the stock market? Start with two!
  • A long term investment is a short term investment that failed
  • If you can count your money, you don’t have a million dollars
  • The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night: I woke up every hour and cried
  • Whoever said money can’t buy happiness, simply didn’t know where to shop
  • Why is divorce so expensive? Because it’s worth it
  • Where do seagulls invest their money? In the stork market!
  • Borrow money from pessimists, they don’t expect it back
  • My wife’s purse was stolen with her credit cards in it. I didn’t report it because the thief was spending less than her!
  • Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? I don’t know, son, I’m still┬ápaying for it!
  • What happened when the cat swallowed a coin? There was money in the kitty
  • Where can you always find money? In the dictionary
  • If we really did profit from our mistakes, I’d be extremely rich by now
  • Remember the golden rule: Those who have the gold make the rules
  • My friends called me stingy so I decided to buy them a beer. Turns out they wanted one each!
  • My bank sent me a text message of my balance. Its says LOL
  • My friend introduced me to a Money Making Scheme that 100% guarantees payout. It’s called a Job
  • I tape popcorn to the ceiling. It’s cheaper than a smoke alarm
  • My mate asked, “What would you do if you had Richard Branson’s money?” I said, “spend it before he noticed it was missing”
  • I walked into the bank and said to the cashier, “I’d like to open a joint account please” “OK, with whom though?” “Whoever has a lot of money”
  • I smashed open my piggy bank earlier. I’ve just about got enough in it to buy a new piggy bank.
  • There are more important things in life than money. The trouble is they all cost money
  • Why do banks only lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it?
  • The best way to make somebody remember you – borrow money from them
  • Why is there always so much month left at the end of my money?
  • People used to rob petrol stations. Now petrol stations rob people
  • I have enough money to last me the rest of my life! Unless I buy something…
  • “Money cannot buy you happiness”. But it can buy you a yacht to suffer in
  • If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?
  • The best things in life are free, plus tax
  • The perfect solution to solve all your debt problems? Money
  • ‘If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?’ Steven Wright
  • ‘The United States has developed a new weapon that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing. It’s called the stock market.’ – Jay Leno
  • Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
  • Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques
  • I love her so much I worship the ground her father found oil on
  • I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it left
  • Money is not everything. There’s also MasterCard and Visa
  • Jesus saves. But wouldn’t it have been better if he had invested?
  • Never borrow money from optimists – they always expect to get it back
  • Money isn’t everything, but at least it encourages relatives to stay in touch
  • A man hires a taxi to take him to court for his bankruptcy trial. When they arrive he says to the driver, ‘Well, I suppose you might as well come in too.’
  • A man goes into a bank and asks the cashier to check his balance, so the cashier pushes him over
  • Money talks – all mine says is ‘Goodbye!’
  • If God had meant us to pay taxes, he’d have made us smart enough to fill in the return form
  • There will always be death and taxes. However, death doesn’t get worse every year
  • Body cells renew while asleep. If only our wallets could do the same

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